Of Sadness and Despair

She is just a little girl
In a world of sadness and despair
I wanted to whisper in her ear
“Everything will be alright my dear”
But I can’t 
I can’t guarantee that to her
This senseless and unfair world
Is bringing her down 
and no words can make it heal
Wounds are bigger than it seems
Loneliness will always appear
All we can do is to hold on
Take every hurt 
Get all the pain
We will be one day be numb
Of this tiresome cycle
Of happiness and fanfare
Of Sadness and despair

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Hallucinations

"Boy, I think we'd look good together. I'd share you my umbrella in the stormy weather
We'll march inside the classroom causing quite a stir
How could an ugly girl get such a handsome man beside her?
Be my trophy boy, while you have an affair
Go frolic with your girl at night, I'm ready to share
I shouldn't care so much, because all I could do
Wait for another trophy boy who's so much cuter than you"

2016 is full of memories with you. I didn't expect to be like this. Early this year, I said I don't like you anymore. But due to series of fortunate events with you, I betrayed myself. I began to like you again. Who can blame me? You are so handsome, and I am a girl who never had a boyfriend. You treated me like I am a special girl in your eyes. But no, it's just in my eyes. To you, I am just an awkward girl you normally see. You are just being nice and friendly. And stupid me, I see it differently. I laugh at myself to think a slightest possibility that you might have a crush on me.

I will always remember our shuttle conversations.The day we shared earphones to watch The Simpsons. The time you touched my hand to get the brush I was holding. The moment when you stared at me while I was eating longanisa. The time we saw each other in the CD shop. The time you pranked me with your exchange gift. The day I pranked you when I gave you my exchange gift. The time we laughed together. The times when we play UNO. The time you said  I am pretty. The time that you were so close to me while eating Wendy's macaroni salad. The moment you stopped going out the room because you saw me, you called me then stare at me for about 5.6 seconds... and so much more.

But I know things will change by 2017. I am open to so much possibilities such as, we won't talk as often as I want to, we won't have the usual conversations, shuttle rides, lunch and merienda breaks we usually have.You will name the girl you are dating. You might leave.

This video sums up my thoughts about you. It really fits our situation :)

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The endless cycle

"As we go on, we remember all the times we had together. And as our lives change, come whatever we will still be friends forever"

When someone says that we will be friends forever, I know it’s not true. I've heard it a thousand times before—it's such a cliché. That's why I get so sad when people leave, because I know that when they leave, it's really over. I won't listen to or believe the flowery promises that we’ll keep in touch, that we’ll still see each other, or that I can reach out whenever I need them. Blah, blah, blah.

I am at an age where I've seen so many people come and go. It's really painful, but I don't have a choice except to move forward and meet new people. Then, eventually, they will leave too. It's a cycle I don't want to keep going through. I want to skip the hellos and the goodbyes; I just want to stay in the moment, making memories. The happy times. The days when my stomach aches from laughing too hard. The inside jokes. The nights we get drunk. The times we console each other during dark days. The moments when we are so happy that we wish they would never end.

What’s worse is knowing that the other person doesn't feel the same way. When they don't hold on to those memories you made together. When you realize you were just an extra who played a cameo in their life—easy to forget because what they have in their lives now is so much better. Contrary to what Beyoncé sings, I am replaceable. And it sucks.

I wish I had a stronger tolerance for this endless cycle.

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